Chapter 2: HOW NOT TO INSULT AN ARTIST

Again, in a tavern, my friend Juan Tabagwang and I drank over two bottles of "agua de pataranta," a drink. After gulping several glasses, the drink began to take effect and we became dizzy. Stupid ideas began to spin around in our heads.

My friend called my attention, "Hey pal!" Then he said, "You know what!? There is this guy who is such a great artist. I am jealous of him and I want to break his ego by insulting him."

Even though I was a bit drunk, I was taken aback by what he said. I looked at him with raised eyebrows and exclaimed, "Huh!?"

"What should I do?" he asked.

"Are you nuts?" I inquired.

"Maybe...," my friend answered. Then he looked at his glass of "agua de pataranta" in his hand. "Probably, this drink makes us crazy." Then he made a hearty loud laugh.

"Not me!" I said. Then I laughed also.

"Seriously!" he said as his face changed to an earnest look. Then he asked again, "What should I do to insult him?"

Just to humor my friend, I said, "Well...you can tell him that his artwork is similar to such and such, or insinuate that his artwork is not an original, just a copy from someone who is a great artist."

"Just like that?" he asked.

"Yes," I answered, "but be very tactful. He might turn the table against you."

"How?"

"Let me tell you one of my experiences and learn from it," I said. "I know this guy, Luk Luko, who was very jealous of me and he told me that my style is similar to this very popular and world-class artist, named Sik Sikat. So, I told him that I never heard the name Sikat. Probably he is the one who copied my style. To rub it in, I added that the level of my artwork is world-class also, because it is similar to Sikat's."

Then I asked my friend, "You know what?"

"What?"

"It really pissed off Luko and he went away fuming mad."

"Do you know of another way of insulting an artist if you are jealous of him?" my friend asked again.

"Usually, not only because of jealousy, but also because of insecurity and inferiority, artists are asked most often ‘who were the other artists that influenced them.’ Though it is true that all artists were influenced by other artists, the question is insulting and it implies that the artist being asked is just a copycat."

"So, if you are asked that kind of question, what's your answer?"

"Most often, I answer that I copied from everybody."

"Then you are also a copycat," my friend remarked.

"Partly, but the difference is that the artist who copied from all artists is the best of all artists. He knows all the styles of all artists. Whereas the artist who copied from just one artist is always second best to that artist and he knows only one style."

My friend nodded in agreement and then took one big gulp of "agua de pataranta." After he wiped his mouth clean, he asked me another question. "Do you still know another way to insult an artist?"

"You're weird," I said. "Why do you want to insult all those good artists? There are so many of them. You'll be making a lot of enemies."

"It makes me feel good!" he exclaimed.

"You really are an idiot!" I said. "Anyway, here's another one. If you are jealous of another artist, praise his artwork to high heavens. Don't tell him his weaknesses so that he will never improve." Finally, I added, "If you really want to trash an artist's ego, tell him straight out that his artwork sucks. Then duck."

"Why?" my friend quizzically asked.

"He is definitely going to punch you!" I answered.

We then boisterously laughed. Afterward, we emptied our glasses of "agua de pataranta." We exited the tavern drunk and along the dark alley we sung a noisy, rambling song accompanied by the howling of dogs and meowing of cats.

"Sing with us the song of insults to all the artists of the world ... La, la, la ..."